Call me a fantasist, but if I’d pulled out a calculator and added up the true cost of motherhood, I’d never have had kids. Instead, I was fighting my biological clock – aged 38 and desperate to be a mother with a low ovarian reserve. Having had a cavalier approach to children up until this point, I sat in a fertility specialist’s Harley Street Office and it sank in that it was my last chance saloon. The cost of a child was the furthest thing from my mind. It was all about how I was going to have one – and I remember calling my partner from my car, sobbing: “It’s an emergency. We have to have a baby now.” It was primal.
I needed to have IVF, which used all my savings. It was fortunate I even had any – and it meant I’d have no buffer if I did have a child. Did I care? No. Did I lie awake at night wondering about the motherhood penalty? Spiralling housing costs? Unaffordable childcare costs? The unbalanced parental leave system? Dire maternity leave pay? Putting my career on hold? How much the nursery school down the road cost? The crumbling NHS maternity units? The gender pay gap?
No. I had a baby grow I’d bought in Gap with little rabbits on it; it was cute and soft. I looked at it and all I wanted to do was fill it with my baby. I didn’t care then if it destroyed my bank balance – which it has. I was driven by a maternal calling, and rightly or wrongly, I followed my heart, not my mind – and in my view, I hit the jackpot. I now have Lola, nine, and Liberty, seven, and that’s after their dad died midway through IVF, making me the sole parent. I’m one of a growing breed of single mums.
This is just my story – and in no way am I promoting motherhood for everybody, or dismissing the struggles many parents face. But if all we hear about is the doom and gloom price tag of having a baby, is it any wonder women are stalling on having kids today? The UK birth rate has plunged to a record low of 1.44 per woman in 2024, well under the 2.1 that ensures a stable population.
To make matters worse, we’ve just been hit with a shocking new price tag. The Office for National Statistics revealed earlier this month that women in the UK hemorrhage about £65,000 from their earnings in the five years after the birth of their first child. The first child does the damage. By the end of those five years, monthly earnings are down 42 per cent. And if you want more kids? Well, it’s financial suicide. A second child costs about a further £26,000; a third, about £32,000 more. The basic gist of it is: The moment you have children, your earnings will nosedive.
Did I lie awake at night wondering about the motherhood penalty, unaffordable childcare costs, and maternity pay, when I was told my ovarian reserve was low and having IVF was my last chance saloon?
Yes, how many times can we hear it: We are being priced out of having kids – and it is grossly unfair. Campaigners warn the new ONS data proves that having children has become a luxury, like putting on the central heating, with the total salary loss for a mother of three children totalling a whopping £100,000.
It’s just more evidence for it being difficult for people to have kids now – and it’s not going to help people concerned by this. Of course, I’ve faced criticism: When I decided to push the boat out and have Liberty, I had plenty of raised eyebrows. There was, however, method in my madness. I wanted Lola to have a sibling because if anything ever happened to me, they would have each other. The truth is, it’s OK to have kids now and worry about the money later – and take what is called a leap of faith.
Yet, money is always the obstacle. The head of external affairs at single parent charity Gingerbread, Vaila McClure, said the ONS study was a “prime example of how the world of work doesn’t work for mums – and particularly single mums”.
Of course, she is right; I’m not dismissing the hardships: You can’t win. Mums are expected to work like they’re not a parent, and parent like they don’t have a job. There are a lot of improvements needed. Parents need flexible and part-time working hours and better job security. According to research from Pregnant then Screwed and Women in Data, up to 74,000 new or expectant mothers lose their jobs each year due to pregnancy and maternity discrimination.
Statutory maternity leave of six weeks at 90 per cent of salary, then £187.18 for 33 weeks, and paternity leave of £187.18 for just two weeks is hardly reassuring for those struggling with living costs. What about childcare costs? If you’re like me with no close family to help, you’re looking at £15 to £18 an hour, or £800 a week for a nanny (minimum), although the good news is, working families can also now access 30 hours of free childcare per week during term time for children aged nine months to four-years-old at a registered provider such as a nursery, playscheme or school.
But the problem is, motherhood is inundated with bad press. Unless you’ve got cash to splash, it’s a big no-no. Parentkind’s National Parent Survey, conducted by YouGov earlier this year, revealed that parents in households earning over £100,000 are happier and find parenting easier, compared to lower-earning parents. While it’s important that governments and potential parents are aware of the growing financial burden, simply focusing on the numbers could be unhelpful.
All we hear are warning shots that send out the message: Don’t bother having kids. It will just wear you and your bank balance down. The data doesn’t take into account the true cost to one’s happiness if you don’t have kids when you want them – and what happens if our fertile years are spent procrastinating about whether we can afford kids and miss the boat?
The idea that having children is too expensive is the most commonly given reason for not wanting to have children. According to YouGov data earlier this year, the 28 per cent of 18-40 year-olds who don’t want children, give this as the main reason for remaining childless.
For others, the choice is more conflicted, but it is one that very few who have chosen to have them regret. Nine in ten parents or guardians (91 per cent), according to the same YouGov research, say they have no regrets at all in having children, with just three per cent saying they have a small amount of regret.
The truth is, those people are going to be the ones with better financial stability – or those, who like me, took a huge gamble. I’ve never looked back.
But if motherhood is all about women losing hundreds and thousands of pounds, it reduces having a family to nothing short of a spreadsheet. Motherhood isn’t just like a bill; it’s a joy. We’ve all got to be responsible, but I just think that gets lost in all the financial planning.
0 Comments